Hello
I guess you thought that after all that's happened that you'd never hear from me again. I thought so too, but I couldn't get so many things out of my mind. On the one hand I say to my self let it go. and on the other I say at least stay friends.
Well regardless to what it is now I wanted to write this to give you an understanding of me and what I do understand about you. I can Imagine you saying this is going to be good. Well, it might ,and It might be too truthful I may make you rethink. you might see something you didn't think about before. It will piss you off like everything else. or it may just entertain you nonetheless that's what this is about. Hope you can be patient long enough to read all of this.
In the beginning when we first connected. My life was fine but on the way down. I have always been a strong woman so I said to myself that I can handle it and I will . I have been on my own since I was 16 ( I've already shared some of the childhood traumas but that's one of several) I went to college in Texas and in California. My GPA 4.0 my IQ
on different battery tests range between 160-168. I was in High school and in college at the same tine for a 2 yr overlap. To pay for college I was in the Army Reserve where I was an officer and a computer technician .
I owned a club in Oakland in my 20's Owned nice cars clothes and shit Not to mention Body was on GO!! I know my wines and topics for many conversations. I'm a good cook and a tidy person in my home. Regardless to what you saw before. My car ,I still have issues with.
I worked as a counselor and I have lived in some of the finest homes dated some of the finest men and have been treated like a queen. I have also been in very abusive relationships One where I constantly had to fight physically. One where it was very verbally abusive. I can deal with a lot but not a lot of abuse.
Now that's just a little to say that I'm educated and I don't play games.
I told you before I watched my father attempt to kill my mother on many occasions
I have emotional scars too it would be a 4000 page book if I told you everything
that's real.
Now on the flip side I'm down for whatever I don't tolerate shit but I do know when games are being played and I usually go along to see what's up never saying that I know. You know what I've been doing for these past months
I'm down to do what it takes to take care of business. I have done a lot I don't want to even say. Lets just say I'm a
hustler. I like doing my own thing and getting paid . Chillin at home because I want to that's my choice
Believe it or not I only watch one soap and that's Young and the Restless I never knew too many people who liked it like I did and one day about 6months ago I stopped watching.
I wear many hats and I know which one to wear when its time. believe that. I talk to people everywhere I go I have a great sense of humor I'm smart and I'm a hood star and If you cross me you wont see me coming. I'm that person who stands in the corner until one day.
I'm not a fighter . I'm a problem solver, I don’t dwell in the past I look at the future
Coming back on what you said to me about our first meeting. Yes I was nice and we felt something right then and there. I pretended that it was just sex but I knew it was more.
The second time you were here you got bored tripped out and drank way too much and threw yourself out.
The third time was fucked but in the beginning I asked you replied yes I came over
And told you of my plans. When part of my plan back fired I didn’t know it was the beginning of domino puzzle that fell but yep it was. My card was jacked . And I brought the wrong computer
ok small shit that you solve. Not talk about over and over and over and get brutally angry blame people and waist time and make things worse. I wanted to make some money quickly and get back to what we were doing . Now I don’t give a shit what you were told but the Tracy and the Pimp story was not my fault. You said don’t leave her alone . Correct but I was waiting on you. Not a problem but a fact . Next fact we as in you and me were in the process of correcting that when she did what she did I was just as surprised. All that dude said was that he knew me which he did not and she told damn near my whole story thank goodness she didn’t know my real name . That dude called my personal phone and my work phone looking for her . And yes he lives in Oakland , he kept trying to push up on me but I wasn’t fallin. He kept wanting to come to my house. I was thinking that if that dude comes to my house all he needs is a foot in the door and he could do any thing to me and that is what was on my mind. As a pimp he has to stay hard or he'll lose his hand and the his game is a wrap .
So he stayed on me and I waited him out .. Then he left me alone All he wanted was not to be made a fool of
I got out of the hotel and he never saw what happened. And if you communicated with me instead of believing I got you in something you would have known what I was up too. NO Drama just skills
The way you treated Tracy was embarrassing to say the least I mean you went too far
And the disrespect you showed me by trying to get her to choose
Was laughable. I pretended that you did it to test her loyalty but you never said any thing to me
you gave me 26 dollars to get home on yes I had some money from her but I gave you some and I bought things Including alcohol for BOTH of us never being petty on money getting short just making it happen.
You blamed me it wasn’t my fault and we lost money when I got home I had 2dollars
Before I left I said I was coming back and you asked me when I said two weeks
I set up a surprise for you and I told you about it
I called you and I emailed you and you never returned either
And when I got there you said I never confirmed what the fuck do you think the emails and the phone calls were for? I came because I hoped you would help me and I needed to get back on top. things were working out until your friend got out of line you blamed me for that too but I was telling you that over and over . And he was disrespectful in your home and he sat there I was pissed and I wanted to say something but I cant tell how you are going to react so I said nothing ( don’t act like you never heard that one before). If you noticed as much as you say you do you would remember the day before when I told you I didn’t like Darryl and you said we have a rivalry and I said to my self interesting I think he wants to be you and probably be your down low bitch.
Any way it was the day you cussed me out about Ricky.. A trick came through was on my way to another YOU said you loved me again and that it was me and you. You are not forgetful and you are not stupid we both know you said it you took me to a appointment and then we went to Denny's Any way we know that story the Next night when you got mad again because you accused me of saying you were stealing. Later that evening you got mad again
You wouldn’t let me post and you wouldn’t let me answer my phone and the girls were there and waiting and so they made other plans
So that day was not my fault let you tell it
You love to blame but how much responsibility do you take?
How many efforts do you make turn a bad situation good ?
So back to the missing 300 dollars. I never thought you stole it. it never entered my mind but I do think you kept it . But since you did the same thing twice you needed a out
So it was easy to pretend you thought I inferred you stole it
I know you were acting. The whole time. My feelings were hurt because it was unnecessary and a waste of time and a use of the wrong emotion.
You blamed me and but I kept my end of the deal we still had a nice night but we could have had more money and the ladies I promised you
The day I left you asked me when was I coming back? And I told you the first week in Nov in 2 weeks. You and I looked at the calendar together and
We confirmed it then.
I called , I emailed and you gave me the same shit no response
You knew I was coming and you just have to play games.
I truly believe if it weren't for the fact you had to get somewhere quick Id still be waiting
Ok so I'm there
You bought some drinks do you know how much I bought? I never gave you a limit on how much to drink of my shit . That was just petty so that means that you will drink my shyt but don’t expect the same thing from you do you believe in reciprocity? But when I buy that same bottle It lasts me a week; with you it last maybe 2days. And when you drink certain things you get angrier longer. I would never do that to any human. You talk about that you don’t understand how a person can own someone's soul the answer my friend is that to cant. You can break a spirit but never own a soul because once you break a spirit the soul hides allowing for many acts of more shame and hurt.
You tried to play a game you call how far can I go what will she let me do and how will she handle it . You asked me if I could take a little pressure. The answer is yes, but not the pressure I was under at the time and you made it so much worse. First you said I had to go
it didn’t matter I didn’t have a place to go.
you gave me a time table you got this much time to do this and that’s it. I mean you were just mean. Even though you were acting it was just mean and stupid. You constantly said it as if it going to make me move faster and get some money. Or break and walk the streets.
My safety wasn’t an issue, my children, my life. Not once just what you were thinking and what you were going through. When you said you only behave that way with me. That was when I said to myself. ok lets see if I can get a room. Just as I was going to ask you what would you like for me to do and what would you like for me to make happen to ease your mind. That’s when you said I don’t care what you are going through. That’s when I snapped
that’s when I decided that I couldn’t take it any more and you had pushed the button too many times Callin five 0 is a bitch move you knew that you said you would and you had to back it up by doing it. PERIOD. SO I yelled at you . I pushed you firmly because I didn’t want to hurt you. I wanted you to know I was mad and I'm not a punk. Then you pull out the knife that I was looking at for 2 days No I didn’t think you would use it because I wasn’t going to cross that line with you but I was going to show you what I do to control freaks like your self. You see I remember you had a phone for when it rains. I know you want to know what's going on around you at all times and you don’t like to many surprises. So I was going to take you garage remote and throw it and then I thought I wouldn't be able to get out and you'd beat my ass for real.
But your phones you love that almost as much as you love your music
So I broke them because I knew it fuck your head up because you love to avoid people if you can and breaking your phones meant you had to take your chances. I knew that would send a message you knew I could have gone buck wild . But you knew I wouldn’t and you knew you had crossed the line. Well as you know I slept outside in the care and it was cold and I was to cold to get my blanket. I was going to call you and call you because Id have to go a certain limit you to go extreme but I did that before its not for me. Which is why I called once and that was it. And you hear from me now.
This is the heavy one that was just insanely stupid all because you were acting and you don’t know when to stop you just keep going. Because you will go the limit. I saw two things happening there it I figured you had something on your mind . I believe it was another woman
That you were checking out I was in the way of you doing what you needed to do. Or what ever it was I also think you wanted me there but at the same time you had something else going on. And you weren't sure what to do and you didn’t want me to know about it and you had that on your mind . It was something going on. You were very different with me. And when you said I was getting comfortable that wasn’t true I'm never comfortable. Especially at your place. And yes I figured it would be slow but I was still making appointments.
All the while I'm thinking hmm… this is slower than I imagined but I cant talk to Cisco about this he will just blowup .. SO I maintained my cool but still trying t o make something happen. You talked bout how and who you want to fuck you were rude and you have destructive emotions. You can say that that happens just with me but you said yourself
You are just like that. your neighbors say it too you are who you are you may get angrier with me but you are not different. You don’t think I cant tell you are between wanting me and hating me. The more I told you about me you learned that I can defend myself and you know I'm not violent. But you thought I was weak and you tried to test that and you did. Emailing other women in front of me , calling other women. I mean just disrespectful.
That’s when the acting began again telling me how much time I had. I cant help it was a slow night. But I had a guaranteed appt and I told you that. That way I could have got a room and kept working. That way I'm out of your way and even if you still wanted me to break bread I would have. But Oh no! Not Cisco, the one who talks and talks about the same shit, throws shit in your face dares you to do it to him. Cant admit he's can be a very angry drunk
( Which was the first question I asked you before we even met)
When shit goes wrong he just blames you and makes it worse
Not coming up with a plan
And not giving a person credit for what they have done
But you want credit for your hospitality as you are throwing a person out
I love pets and you know I did not and will not disrespect your home your son or you birds .
I never held out on you and I know my pants are there you don’t know everything
Whew….. Well if you made it through this much you can make it through this easily
The other thing I was thinking was that I was wondering why you did what you did and why
I hope you are not shocked to know that I lot of the things you did I understand why but you did too much. In other words I understand why but I'm not digging what you did.
Just imagine if I had my ducks in a row what a conversation would be like ok
for instance when you gave me a time table saying I had to leave
If I had a place to go I'm like You aint gotta put me out. I will just leave,
you must be trippin to think I don’t have a place to go to.
Or a way to handle my shyt when I need to,
You want me to go fuck it im out .
and Id leave. Sangin and slangin with my van on rattle.
Unfortunately I had been under so much pressure that I couldn’t
When we met I had money to get a room if you didn’t do right
And I was always prepared for anything
So I can see it that each time you saw me there was something else that was messing with my progress Keeping me in a hole I mean we all have issues that’s life . Life is about issues but damn
like the ex husband thing. I was way to nice and I got burned by it
I invite you to my home and some other man is there regardless of who and why the nigga was there. 2 the house was a mess . Fucked up the plans and every thing
What I should have done was told him to clean that mess he made in those rooms and get a room. When I met you I wanted to be the classy lady I am and I didn’t want to show my ghetto side at the time. I wanted you to know I can be kind so I let him stay. I being myself would mean I would have had to do what I had to do because when I'm firm that’s it. So I looked at that as although we had a mostly a good time but
I didn’t take care of business properly.
So I'm supposed to show you a good time and damn
So you were waiting for me to show my action and I did things you could have stayed home for
So yes I understand that you thought I was one way and you still think so but I keep doing the wrong things.
Ok then along with that the pregnancy
I started out handling it right but I let people
Get in my life and my business so I listened and wound up
Miscarrying . Because I had lost a son already the miscarriage
Was hurtful because it happened and I didn’t decide
Then I lost my job before I was ready
To leave.
Got served with papers about my kids and
So I closed my self off and didn’t talk to anyone
Yes, Ebony told me she emailed you and you didn’t answer her
I told her you probably thought it was me
Remind me to tell you a story of passwords, profiles, and pictures then toast to it.
Then I get there ok it looks like I'm getting it together I had been there a few times
I never invited you to the parties that I had in LA is because I didn’t want any drama no yelling and I was paid to put them together I could have dropped that money off to you but I figure if you want it you have to get it face to face.
Then when I do come back and contact you, I bring a new girl who not only is dizzy
but dumb and simply nasty. My credit card gets messed up and she falls for the okey doke a pimp so yes I can see it making me look like yet again I have not made a good decision .
then I come back and I do better making some money but at this point I have no electricity
then when I come back again I have nothing.
So I'm thinking you are thinking what the fuck
This is not the same woman I met a few months ago
What happened or is this the way it is for her.
I mean she's cool but when is life cool when she has money and just the damn basics
So when things came to a head I thought that all of these things that happened because
We both made it happen. And we didn’t communicate or handle it right. we made big mistakes.
So as I drove home dead tired and pissed it took me 9 hours to get home and I left at 630 that morning.
I relived every moment and I wanted to see your mistakes and not mine and be the victim,
but then I realized that that’s not me. Bottom line we both fucked up. I did shit and you did too. So then I remembered that I don’t have to keep taking this all I have to do is be me again. Regain my own self respect, PUT MY PRIDE in my pocket but always wear my confidence and remember that I'm a survivor. A hustler I'm gonna get mine
From both sides. So I said to my self first I gotta show I can do it for me and then to you to regain your respect.
I know you want a loving relationship
And think you think I can give it to you
But not If I cant pull my own weight.
So as I was driving I made my plans and started putting things into motion
I spent that weekend
planning and working and trying to get over being mad
I slept and got drunk and watch TV on that Saturday n Sunday
Monday I was on it
Called the Ex and set some rules
Put my actions in to play
Made a time table of how long it would take me to
Get my jelly back so I can jam
here's my plan and what I have done so far
I have a 2 yr timetable
What I want is to counsel privately
What I need to do that 20k
What I'm doing to make that happen
I still taking my classes
I have had parties every weekend
Except this one
One more new years eve
And none until the spring
I'm going to be working out in LA this weekend
1 I'm building a new stable of escorts
I have a few 3 really
They wont get to come to LA until
They are ready
Don’t think you didn’t teach me and I didn’t learn
Credit cards are caught up
And I'm gettin
Bills are being paid off
I go to the dentist in January
I work out every day now
I lost some more weight
Stopped smoking cigarettes
I slowed my drinking and Cush I don’t want to stop
I'm being myself always being nice but not being looked at like a punk
How did I do it all in a 5ive weeks I was pissed most of the time
And this is only the first phase. I needed peace and quiet no yelling
Now I have my self respect back and my mentality.
I still have a long way to go but now I'm back on track and as I said that’s all I needed.
So here I go. I'm no in a hurry I'm just glad that I can go the way I wanted to all this time
If you read this far then you should know this too
I'm going to be in LA this weekend
I will be working I have my own room and my computer
and I would love to see you for a drink and some sex
Before you decide consider this.
I have driven many miles because I want to just to see you before.
We have been through a lot of drama and we still see each other
Yes I dropped you off at the BART and I tore up your ticket and I broke your phones
But you pulled a knife on me and called the 5ive 0 and threw me out
I know hand full it takes a lot to handle me
Communication not a lot of yelling
I can tell you this Making money in LA is where its at
You are always regardless of what we go through the best part
I love you very much still
And if I can say that through all this
Then Its real
Now if you don’t want to see me that’s fine
Because although I love you. Id move the moon for you if I could
And as I said I have to do me and I don’t want to waste my time
We both like excitement not the stupid drama we've been through
You like that I'm not tamable but I can be controlled to a point and I like that you like to dictate. YOU don’t like physical altercations especially with women
so knowing all this
Finally if you decide that I'm not worth it after all this that’s what I will accept
I'll slang my snot, and bless you sugar
I wouldn’t be me if I gave up easily I go for what I want
When I get my room I will call you once to tell you I'm there
I'm not doing the calling and email with no response thing anymore
If you don’t answer Ill leave a message. Only one I'm not trying to be hard
Its just played out and tired
Like I said I love you and
Id love to see you
But I'm ready to move on if you don’t want to
Be friend or anything
I'm not trying to push you I'm just saying where I'm coming from
Thank you for reading this
I needed to get it out
I don’t think I hit the nail on the head on every thing
But I know I hit it how did I do?
Love
